Requiem: Epilogue
by A Touch of the Blues
Summary: My take on the epilogue I'm sure most of us wanted to see at the end of Requiem, since the relationships were kind of left unresolved. It will be pretty obvious which of Lena's men I was rooting for in the books!


Just my take on the epilogue I'm sure most of us wanted to see at the end of Requiem. I feel pretty confident that in the end Lena chose Alex. But since the book never explicitly says so this is my ending to Requiem. Please enjoy and review if possible. I would appreciate it. It will be pretty obvious which of Lena's men I was rooting for in the books!

Requiem Epilogue

Love. It is at once both blessing and curse; light and darkness. One moment you can be riding a moment, a wave of pure exhilaration, the next you're surrounded by sheets of darkness as thick and unmoving as stone. _Amor deliria nervosa_, the deadliest of all deadly things.

Portland is a safe spot. We, the Invalids wrested control away from the government just mere hours ago. You would think I would be happy; and in a way I am. We are free. A whole city's resources have been opened up to us and our victory has proven that we cannot be broken so easily. Even the weak, underfed, and infected can triumph given the right circumstances and motivation. Yes, I should be happy. And yet, there is a knawing feeling in the pit of my stomach; one that I know will never fully go away.

Raven is dead. One bullet, just one, was all it took to slay a fighter who survived years in the Wilds, who led a camp of homesteaders for years and years. One bullet, one shot, one _pop_ and then she was gone. My heart breaks for Raven and for Tack. Everyone knew that they were special to each other. That despite their bickering and near constant arguments they were like two parts of a whole, perfectly symmetrical, fitting together like a glove. I have yet to see my Aunt Carol or Jenny and I'm not sure if I want to. I'm still seething that they left Grace to burn in that house in Deering Highlands. No word from my sister Rachel either.

It doesn't really matter I guess. They could be dead for all I know and it wouldn't make much difference. It's not as if they were alive before. Not since the cure. Not since being force fed the lies, the unceasing tick of lies straight out of the _Book of Shhh_. But all that is over now. At least for the time being here in Portland. Most of the cureds have fled the area now that the resistance has taken control. I wonder how long the government will allow us peace. Surely not for long. The DFA (_Deliria Free America_) is known to be working with Scavengers in trying to poison people's minds against us, the _real_ Invalids; the uncureds.

The DFA. Julian. Julian Fineman was the young face of the DFA before we met. Before we shared a prison cell; before I infected him with love. It was not expected, not something I planned on. Julian was everything wrong with the world. He was a zombie, an advocate of the cure, an advocate of brainwashing children into believing that love was a disease, something to be feared and cleansed from society. But against all odds he fell in love with me and I with him. We saved each other; we owe one another our lives. He loves me. And I love him. If only it were that simple.

My mind is still reeling from the kiss I shared only two hours ago with him. With Alex. Alex. _My_ Alex, the one who introduced me to this crazy world of Invalids and love, the one who first made me feel, and told me I was, beautiful. Alex Sheathes, who was my first male touch, my first kiss, my first love. Who infected me with the most delicious feeling in the world. Who sacrificed himself so that I could escape to the Wilds. Who endured months in the Crypts so that I could be free. Who came back to me and whose heart I broke.

Just two hours ago it all came out. He never stopped loving me despite his torture. The physical torment of the Crypts and the emotional torment of seeing me with Julian. Being held by Julian, being kissed by Julian. He never stopped loving me. And I never stopped loving him. I love Julian. But I loved Alex first.

I've been debating what to do for hours. My mother is sitting with Grace, getting to know the niece she never met. I've scanned the area for Hana but so far have come up empty. Fred Hargrove is dead. The bomb in his house did its job. I can only hope Hana took my warning and got out of there. I wish Hana was here. My Hana, not the cured half zombie who turned me over to the regulators, who nearly had me killed, who just saved my life. Hana would know what to do about Alex and Julian. But me? I don't know that I've ever been more afraid.

At long last, Julian makes his way over to me, shirtless and sweating, having been working on tearing down the massive wall surrounding Portland for the better part of two hours. It's strange the way love works. Only days ago I was cuddled by Julian, sharing a blanket with him in the night. But now…how can I tell him what I know must be said?

"Hey!" he says to me. His eyes are bright and his smile is huge. How different from the boy I met at the DFA rally a couple of months ago. Back then he was stoic, but passionate for the cure, for a loveless world. Now he is exuberant and passionate for but one thing: me.

"We did it Lena. We won."

"We haven't won Julian. Not really; not yet. This was one battle. It takes more than one battle to win a war."

His smile falters only slightly. "A victory is a victory Lena. This is your home. We've taken it back."

I turn my eyes away. I can't bear to look at him. That word. "We." He thinks we're still in this together. He thinks there's still "us." He doesn't know about my turmoil, my desire to be anywhere but in his presence. It's not his fault. He didn't do anything _wrong_. He's just not what I need. Not what I want. Not Alex.

"Julian…" I begin. Why can't I speak? "Julian I have something to tell you."

A look passes across his face. What is it? Sadness? Anger? Resignation? Whatever it is, he sighs deeply and gazes off to the side at nothing in particular. "It's him isn't it?"

He knows. "I…" he pauses. "I should have known. I probably did, deep down. Something changed between us the moment he showed his face. You were never the same. And when he left…anyone could tell you missed him."

Julian's eyes are glassy. Any minute now he'll shed tears. Because of me. Because he knows what's happening. "Julian, you have to understand. I care about you. I love you in fact." He makes a sad noise, a titter of disbelief.

"I do. What you and I went through together in that cell. It's something I'll never share with any other person. I love you. You've been so good to me. But…Alex is the one who infected me. I don't know if love is a disease or not but I think the word 'infect' is as good as any to describe what he did to me. If he had made it with me into the Wilds, if he hadn't been caught, it would have been me and him all along. You must know that. If he'd been with me or even if I knew he was alive I would never have spared a thought for another person.

"You and I come from different lives. We were on different sides. What's happened between us was not something I ever expected. I don't regret it. You are so genuinely good Julian I'll never truly deserve you. I don't regret it. But I won't continue it either."

I've said it. The hurt on his face is obvious. He knows it now. Whatever he thought he knew before pales in comparison to this. It's over.

"Lena, think about this. He left you. He left you with nothing but cold looks and icy stares. He didn't even say good-bye…"

"That's not true. He left me a note. He left…for me. He knew that if he stayed it would only tear me apart because of you. Because of both of you being there. He left me behind so that I could be with you. So that you could have me. He would rather have left me there with you than see me deteriorate because I couldn't choose between you."

Julian is angry now. "You could have chosen me! I left everything for you! My life; I gave up everything for you. I was going to die because I chose you."

"Please don't make this harder than it is."

"You're making it hard! Lena, I love you. Please don't leave me. Whatever is wrong between us we can fix it."

He is desperate now. I understand. I'm the only girl he's ever loved. I infected him. Now it seems I'm killing him. _Amor deliria nervosa_, the deadliest of all deadly things.

"Julian it's over. What we've had…it's over. I was with Alex when this all began and I'm going to be with him when it ends. It may never end. But even if it doesn't I'll still be with him. Because he saved me. He saved me from this loveless world and he let me go. He placed my happiness ahead of his own. It's time I returned the favor. Only…I am happy. It's not that I won't be sad about you, about us. I am. But Alex makes me happy. He always has. And he always will."

"It's really over then. You're really choosing him. You're throwing me away."

"I don't want to throw you away from my life. But I am choosing Alex. It's what I would have done anyway, if he'd never been caught. I love him. And…"

But I'm cut off by Julian's lips. They taste of dirt and smoke and, oddly, though I've been lost in his lips before they now hold no warmth for me. He's not what I want. What I need.

"I love you too Lena. And I _stayed_. Please don't do this. I stayed for you. I love you more than him."

"No one has love greater than this: That he should surrender his life in behalf of his friends." It is a foreign voice, but one oh so familiar. My mother is standing there with sweat on her face and dirt caked on all her visible flesh. She's speaking to Julian. I remember the morning I woke up to find her and Julian sitting together stroking the fire.

"It's a saying from one of the old religions from Before. The greatest love a person can show is to give everything up for another person or other people. That's the beauty of the Wilds. Here we can choose. We can choose whether to love or not love. We can choose who we love. We can choose what to feel. Lena has made her choice. If we believe in what we stand for then we must allow her to make her own choices."

I latch on to my mother's words. "He surrendered his life for me. It was only an accident he didn't die."

"So did I" Julian says.

"No. You were willing to die for the _idea_ of love. Your death would not have protected me. Alex took a bullet, endured torture for me. To keep me safe. He let you have me to keep me sane. His love…is greater. I choose his love."

I say it with finality. I wish I could turn away from the look Julian has now. I've hurt him, perhaps irreparably. But I doubt it. When I thought I'd lost Alex I didn't know how to move on. But then Julian showed me it was possible. I know that as hurt as he feels now, as lost and alone as he's going to feel, he can love someone else. It may be hard at first. But it can be done.

"Then there's nothing for me here. I can't stay here if I know you'll be away from me; with him." I don't want him to go. It's dangerous outside of Portland and he's still an important target of the government and the DFA. But it's his choice to make. To leave or not to leave. That's the beauty of it. _He_ gets to choose. And so do I.

"You'll always have a friend if you ever need one" I say. As he's leaving he turns back and gives me the most haunting look I've ever seen. As if his very eyes have left his head, replaced by dark pits.

"Good bye Lena."

A few seconds and he's going, going…gone. I sigh deeply. I chose Alex. But I'll never forget Julian.

My mother has disappeared. I'm looking around for her but instead Grace is running towards me, followed closely by Alex.

"What did you decide?" he asks me.

"We're different people Alex. We're not who we used to be."

"I know."

"I am not the Lena you fell in love with. I think, feel, and act differently. The old Lena might just say to hell with everyone. But I'm the new Lena. And the new Lena wants to know the new Alex. In every possible way."

A broad grin claims Alex's features. Now he looks like the boy I remember, the happy, carefree boy who set my skin on fire with his touch. Who showed me how to live a life of meaning and purpose. Who gave me a reason to wake up another day. And so I melt into his chest and I feel that warmth, that inseparable feeling of being made to fit one another that I first felt more than a year ago.

So it's me and Alex. That's how it was. That's how it is. That's how it will always be.


End file.
